Since we’ve been home without our girl….
Sweet friends,
I want to say that I absolutely adore you! You have showered me with cyber hugs and prayers, and I have felt everyone of them.
Many, many, many of you have lovingly followed our adoption story over the past year. Hands down, my posts about our adoption have had the highest page views of any other post I have written this year! You were invested in our story, and I felt the thoughts and prayers of so many of you as we traveled to get our little girl. I know you were excitedly awaiting the pictures of us back home and together as a family.
And when we came back home, my heart was heavy for so many reasons, but one of which was having to tell you the sad news. :(
I know you were shocked, and I know that some of you even shed some tears for us. How blessed am I? To be loved and cared for by people I have never met in real life?! I’ll tell you…..SERIOUSLY BLESSED!!
And because my online family is a part of me, I wanted to give you a little bit of news about what life has been like since we have been home.
There is no way to sugar coat it. It was horrible. Heart wrenching, eyes swollen, sleepless nights, couldn’t eat kind of horrible. It was hard to even function the first week we were home. We were trying to be strong for our boys, but as soon as they went to school, I was like a walking zombie. I was trying to get presents for Christmas since I hadn’t bought a single thing yet, but every thought was on our little girl. I saw her in every store, felt her in every song, and heard her in every conversation.
(I had hoped to share some “real” pictures of her with you when she came home with us, but for now, I have to share them like this. These are pictures of her just a few short weeks ago…)
We missed some family Christmas events because the emotions were just too raw, and I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone. I didn’t really even talk to my sister or dad! Just the thought of a conversation about her would make me cry.
Christmas is such a special time of year, but not having her here with us made it very difficult. We were still able to enjoy it for our boys. They are so precious. They were very sad that we didn’t bring her home, but soooo glad to see us. We were gone for two whole weeks, and they missed us! Being away from our boys was one of the hardest parts of our trip.
Since Christmas, each day has gotten a little better. I cry less. But I miss her more.
I know that you all are wanting details as to why it didn’t work out, but I am not ready to share that part of our story. I will tell you that it is our hope and prayer that this is not the end of the story. We are praying for a miracle and asking God for direction.
There is still a very small chance that she could still be a part of our forever family. Will you pray for us, for her, and for God’s will to be done? That’s all I want….HIS WILL to be done.
And as a side note…
Can I just tell you that I have fallen even more in love with Jesus? HE IS LIFE. Plain and simple.
The world tries to tell us that life is all about ourselves, but it is not. It’s all about Jesus. His perfect love.
I couldn’t live life without Him. He gives me a peace that is beyond understanding. I am grateful that He loves me despite my flaws. That He gives me strength during difficult times. That He knows my heart. That He is my source of true joy.
You may know me as a blogger, or as a DIY’er, or as a “home girl,” or who knows what else. :)
But please know this about me….I LOVE JESUS WITH ALL MY HEART, WITH ALL MY SOUL, AND WITH ALL MY MIND.
God bless you, sweet friends, and may you have a wonderful new year!!
Praying!
Happy New Year to you and your precious family. I hope it will be very blessed. As I was reading your post I kept wondering how do you tell a sweet child that thinks she will have a forever home that it didn’t work out? What a nightmare that must have been. She is so adorable and it seemed such a perfect fit. My prayers are with all of you and a happy ending to this story.
Continuing to lift your family… Including your little girl up in prayer. I have not idea how bad you all are hurting but just wanted to send love and hugs.
Unbelievable. So, so sad. I will pray for a miracle.
Crying and aching for you! But I am so glad you have JESUS!!! I know that is why you can go on and have hope!
I love and admire you my dear sister. Our God is an awesome God. I am thinking of you and praying for you and your sweet family. Much love and many hugs. My heart is with your heart <3
I’m one of those folks you don’t know that shed tears for you, your family and your precious little girl that must be having a very hard time understanding why she couldn’t come home with you. Praying all and for God’s will to be done.
Tears for you and your sweet family. I am praying for you, for a miracle and for direction. May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in HIm so that you may overflow with Hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ❤️
Traci, it makes me cry to think about what you are going through. I truly cannot imagine the heartbreak. However, thank you for being an example of what it means to praise God in all circumstances. Your love for Him is so obvious and serves as a great witness to the rest of us! I have you and your family on my prayer list as you seek the Lord’s will.
God Bless!!!
Continuing to pray for you and all your guys and for God’s plan for your family and sweet girl. I love your “bootiful heart”, as Eli says, because I see Jesus in you. Thanks for sharing, Traci <3
Sending you hugs and prayers!
I don’t know you, but I so enjoy your blog & following your adoption story. I will be in prayer for you & your darling daughter that the Lord will give you all a miracle.
It’s so difficult to understand what could’ve possibly gone wrong that this sweet little girl could not come home with you to be with a forever family. It made me very sad but just as much or more made me angry. Very angry. How could this possibly happen to this sweet little girl and this good and loving family? ….a family that has put themselves out there and put their hearts on the line. How do you get your head around how life can be so unfair?! I am so sorry for all of you. I am so sorry for your so undeserved pain and grief. I pray that God puts his loving arms around all of you and gives you strength to carry on while he works a miracle so that your little girl comes home to you where she belongs. God loves her and loves you. He works miracles. Be patient. Don’t give up. Just keep believing that it will happen. God is good. Happy new year. Hugggs!
Praying for y’all! God is not finished with this chapter yet, and I fervently pray for answered prayers. May God’s love and peace be with you.
Praying…
Thank you for sharing this update. I have been so sad for you all. Standing with you in prayer for that miracle! You are right, Jesus is everything!!! Much love!
Is there anything we can do to help? Write someone -petition? anything?
Hi Traci,
Happy New Year………
and I have been and will continue to pray inhopes that your lil girl will come to you soon. My heart goes to all of you, what a tough time, but glad to see your faith andrelationship with the Lord is holding you up.Grieving is normal, and praying it continues to get better daily.
When my grown up daughter had to move away with her hubby, I gave myself permission to grieve a lil bit each day and that helped, and after she comes to visit or
we visit her, as happy as I was to spend
that time with her, I grieve her going again, as she is now my best friend!
Life is what it is, and I think the Lord
knows how to make His children long for
home, and sometimes I think that is what
some of our trials are…….getting us
ready for Heaven. What a glorious Day that will be…………no more pain, no more
tears…..only good things.
Know I will continue to pray for your whole family and your lil girl especially.
Blessings for a Wonderfully Blest and
Hopeful New Year.
Nellie
So heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. My prayers are with you. God can do things that we never dreamed of. I’ll be waiting to hear how he works it all out. Blessings, Gail
I am so, so sorry that the adoption didn’t go through. I pray that God’s plan for your beautiful family still somehow includes your sweet girl! And I know you are a blogger of home decor (and amazing at that I must say!) but first and foremost, I see you as an amazing follower of Christ in all that you do and say. You are very inspiring! ❤️
I am one of your readers who followed your blog most when there was updates on your little girl… And I was so sad for you when it didn’t work out! May the Lord comfort your hearts and His Will be done! I hope a miracle can happen and your little girl can have you for her forever family!
I always waited eagerly for updates on your little girl and your adoption journey and I felt so sad for you when it didn’t work out! May the Lord comfort your hearts and His Will be done. I hope for a miracle and that your little girl can have you for her forever family!
Continuing to pray for you Traci. Asking God for His perfect will to be done and for the Comforter to bring you His peace. Hugs and love. Jesus is our ALL IN ALL!!! We praise His name.
Praying for His will to be done and for comfort and peace for you, your husband and sons and your precious girl.
Traci, thank you for this post. I woke up in the night a few nights ago praying for you and wondering how you were coping. Heartwrenchinhly sad, but God can take times like these and turn them into good. Praying for that miracle for you, your family and this precious child. May the Lord be glorified in all circumstances! Sending hugs.
Jesus is our Rock and firm foundation!! Big hugs to you and your family!
I have thought and prayed for you guys do often, since I read that you didn’t bring her home. Having walked through the adoption process, travelled across oceans, stayed for two weeks without our boys, and brought our sweet Lydia home….my heart shreds over your situation. I can only imagine the devastation and loss you guys are walking through. I am so thankful that you guys understand the depth of knowing and trusting that Jesus is everything. He is your peace-your joy-your comfort-your everything. I love that he stands with us and gives us the strength we need to function.
Praying for God’s perfect will to be done…praying for this miracle for you guys.
Traci, I have prayed daily, more than once a day, that the Lord will reunite you with your little girl. Maybe through this blog He will lead you to someone who can reopen that door. I believe your Mom in heaven is advocating on your behalf as well. Mostly I pray that your girl will know the Lord through her life as faith tells us if you’re not reunited here on earth, you will be in heaven. I contiinue to pray, as you ask, that His will be done, but I don’t think He minds if we also ask that His will be a successful adoption. God bless.
I am praying for you & your little girl. He is writing a beautiful story with your life – thank you for sharing it with us.
xo ellie
I’m praying for you Traci and your sweet girl too! Praying that God’s will is done in both of your lives.
I appreciate your candor during this difficult time and please know that we will continue to lift you and your family (your sweet girl included) in prayer. God’s will be done. Have a blessed and safe new year!
You are holding on to the best comforter every and that Is Jesus. He will turn it all around to HIS good..and His will. (((HUGS)) I am praying God’s will for you all. He Knows and He Cares!
My heart breaks for you and your family as we have experienced a disrupted domestic adoption and nearly an international one…I can tell you that if this precious girl is meant to be a part of your family God will move mountains to get her to you! If not, He has an even bigger plan. Prayers to you all. A link to our story in hopes that it brings you comfort and encouragement in His power!
http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2009/06/22/ryan/http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2009/06/22/ryan/
I’ve been praying for that miracle already. Rejoicing with you that we can always find God faithful. Hugs.
Thank you for sharing your heart. It is such a testimony of His grace and power,an encouragement to us all.
Hold onto Romans 8:28
He is still the God of the impossible.
I am so sorry to hear this! We had a failed adoption many years ago.
I was devasted. He was already calling us mommy and daddy (he was two) and loved our boys, his new big brothers. Afterward, every time I walked past his crib in his room it would bring me to fresh tears.
But God is faithful and he brought us through. I had worried about our kids handling it but kids are pretty resilient. I grieved for quite awhile, of course. But, as I said, He is faithful to bring us through the hurt.
I am sorry that you have to go through this and will pray for all of you and your sweet girl. I, too, will pray that you get a miracle and get your girl home. But even if you don’t, I know that God will comfort you and bring you through. But I’m praying you will get her. ;)
Praying that God’s will be done, that you can rest knowing that He only does good and if it be his will, that heaven and earth will be moved to unite you with your girl.
I’ve been praying!!! Praying still for God to heal your broken heart. Comfort. Peace. Hope. Love you.
Traci, I have been following your blog for quite a while and I love everything you are and do. I cannot imagine the pain you and your family is going through but I am so proud and thankful for the way you are handling it. Keep looking to Jesus for peace, comfort, and guidance. I have been praying for you and will continue to pray for a miracle and for all of you.
Love from a sister in Christ.
Praying for a miracle Traci! What a Godly example and witness you are to so many…even through this very difficult time in your life. It brings tears to my eyes when I read how much you still love Jesus! You make Him happy as you still praise Him through the storm ! His ways are higher. I know you trust Him and I am praying for His perfect will to be done for you and your entire family. Stay strong sweet girl. Gods got your back! ;-)
I am praying that you get your miracle! We don’t know what Gods plans are for us but he loves us and knows what we need. God bless your beautiful family.
Going through something like this is hard – very hard. It’s during the hard times that He becomes more close, more real to us, as you have learned. Sometimes it takes years to see the wisdom of His actions in our lives. But, I’ve learned that what seems to be the worst thing can turn out to be the best thing. Acceptance is the key to peace, and I pray you will come to that point. I am praying for you, your girl, and your family with love.
I am so, so sorry. I hope everything ends well. It has to. It just has to. I am praying for you and for the sweet little girl. I hope you find peace.
Praying for you all…always.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
Ive been reading your blog since 200 or earlier praying for your family and the chance you could adopt her. My heart cannot imagine the pain and suffering you’ve endured. Hugs from texas!
As I was waiting for your website to appear,God put it on my heart to pray for a miracle for you and your family. Then I saw your request to pray for a miracle, I knew that God wants us to ask for a miracle. He always does the right thing, the best thing for His children. I can’t wait to see how God answers!
I’ve been praying for you guys and I appreciate the update. More than anything I appreciate the witness for Jesus that you are. God bless you Traci.
Praying for a miracle. I know you and your family have each other for love and support. I pray for your daughter because she probably don’t understand. God please be with her.
Praying!!!!! I have been in your shoes. Its still hard to talk about the “why” things didn’t work out to this day We also had a failed adoption about 15 years ago. Finally had to tell some family to respect my wishes and not ask me about it. It was too painful and there were just some things that my husband and I decided not to share. I knew that God was at at our sides and believe me the trusting in Him was hard. I questioned it many times, and many times I saw an answer from Him. Sometimes that answer wasn’t always right away, it came later. If you want to talk, email me and I will give you a contact number. If you don’t want to talk, that’s okay too. Just know that I am praying for you and Cy to feel peace in your heart. I know its hard.
Marilyn C.
I have cried for you all many times since I heard the news. I have been praying that maybe something would change and most of all just praying for you and your family and for your sweet girl.
In the end you said it all… HIS will, not ours.
I have confident hope!!! Love you, sweet friend. xoxo
“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
Traci~You have been on my heart for a long time now and especially in my prayers. I know from experience adoption is a process in learning we are NOT in control at all. If we didn’t have a faithful God I wouldn’t be able to go through all that adoption has brought us through. I will continue to pray for you and your family and that God will give you an unexplainable peace that will get you through this. Love, Linda
My heart hurts for all of you and for your little girl… I am praying and will continue to pray. xoxoxo
Thank you for sharing. Praying for a miracle and protection over your little girl.
Mighty God, I pray that you will be with Traci and her family Lord. I pray that you would give her your peace as she waits on you Father for your perfect time. Lord I pray that she will sense your loving arms around her and that your precious Holy Spirit will minister to her heart. In Jesus precious name I pray. Amen
Keeping your family and that precious little girl in my prayers. My heart hurts for you. I admire your strength and pray that your special little girl finds her way to your home if it be God’s will.
Traci, my heart hurts reading these words and I cannot imagine the heartbreak you and your family are feeling. I will continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong and hopeful!
Continuing to pray for all of you and marveling in how strong your faith is
Praying and sending blessings to you and all of your family
Praying that you all will be reunited again!
Praying –
Continuing to pray for you and your family, which includes your little girl. Maybe the answer isn’t “no,” but “not yet.”
My heart is still hurting for you, but please know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers.
I just found you while browsing around. I fell in love with your heart. It’s clear you are a believer and I love that you are from Kentucky. So am I!!!! Your story of adoption is so inspiring and heartbreaking. Your faith is evident. God is overall and I know regardless your love for him is strong. I am agreeing with you in prayer. “Lord bring this little girl home to this family who so wants her”. In Jesus Name! ” all things work for the good to those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose@ Romans 8:28. Find peace and be encouraged while God works on your behalf. I love your blog and enjoying seeing your home. Come on over and visit! Blessings!
It is true we have never met but your heartfelt stories of her visit and departure still touches me and I cry if i read it! I really hope and pray things work out for the little girl and your family!
Keep strong and if it’s right fate will prevale. X
I needed something this morning to take my focus off of a situation so I am earnestly praying for your family and the baby girl you so desperately desire. Trusting God for your miracle.
Dear Traci, You and yours have been in my prayers as you walk this very hard road. God knows EXACTLY how all of this will turn out — the hard part is trusting in His plan. My Word for 2016 is “trust” — even when we know He knows best, it’s so HARD to turn off our human doubts and fears. Just know He is using you in a mighty way as you share your heart, your love for Jesus, and your faith with all those whom you touch. God Bless and keep you, and may He keep a protective hand on your sweet girl until His plan comes to fruition. Sending hugs and much love ~ xo Heidi
Thank you so much Traci for the update…. My heart still goes out to you… praying that the Lord of All will absolutely make a way for His Perfect Will in your lives… and in the life of that precious little girl of yours!!! You CAN TRUST HIM!!!!
Dearest Traci, Thank you for sharing, while your hurt is so raw. Cling to Jesus and His Word, for that is where true peace and understanding will come. Praying for you and your family.
Thank you for sharing dear Traci. You and your family are so very precious. I am praying for you.
Traci,
Never give up hope! If it is part of God’s plan that this little girl is to be a part of your loving family, HE will find a way to make that happen. HE promises us that his plans are not to harm us, but to give us hope and a future. That promise includes your family and that precious little girl.
My heart still breaks for you and your family. I hope you feel the love, prayers and hope that so many of us feel. Take care of yourself.
Dear Traci,
You are in my heart and I am praying for you and your lovely family!!! I am so very sorry for what you are going through. You are a beautiful example of a true godly woman!!! Thank you!!! We know, that we know, that we know that God’s perfect will and His hand is in all of this. I love how you said that you just want God’s will. My deepest hope and prayers is that bringing your precious girl home is His will, but I know ultimately in the end all you want is God’s will. I know that God WILL honor your faithfulness to Him!!! How awesome that you share our beloved Jesus to everyone out here in blogland! May our Lord richly bless you for your genuine heart! I am praying for you!!! Warm hugs!!!
You are also “A CHILD OF GOD” a daughter of the almighty, who knows you and is concerned about you. My prayers are continuing to be with your entire family and your daughter, so many miles from you.
My heart is breaking for you. My husband and I adopted three little girls through our countys foster care system. Anyone who has adopted through foster care knows it can be a scarey roller coaster ride! Stay strong, God has a perfect plan.
Just now reading this after being away for the holidays. I am so,so sorry for all of you.
Praying His peace and the reassurance that He is at work in all the circumstances of our lives will give you comfort and sweet rest in your hearts.
He is the God of the impossible!
Praying for you right now!
I don’t know what your adoption situation is, but I do know God has a perfect plan for you and your family. My husband and I adopted 3 infants through the foster care system (over 3 1/2 years). Anyone that has adopted through foster care knows it is a STRESSFUL roller coaster ride BUT ‘it ain’t over till it’s over”. I just tried to think of any of our more stressful times as our ‘labor pains’. Our daughters are now 6,7 and 8 years old!
I don’t know what your adoption situation is, but I do know God has a perfect plan for you and your family. My husband and I adopted 3 infants through the foster care system (over 3 1/2 years). Anyone that has adopted through foster care knows it is a STRESSFUL roller coaster ride BUT ‘it ain’t over till it’s over”. I just tried to think of any of our more stressful times as our ‘labor pains’. Our daughters are now 6,7 and 8 years old!
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping that the “small” chance comes to life. I hope and pray that you get your little girl and this will be happy ending. It makes me so angry that adopting a child is so difficult. All you want to do is give her a forever home and it takes years, major hoops to jump through and endless amounts of money. I feel like so many more people would adopt if it wasn’t so hard. Your story makes me so angry. What is wrong with this world?!!! Hang in there and wishing the best for you, your family and of course, your girl.
This is a comment from an Aunt who adopted from Russia. The adopted child is blind.Tanya, thank you for asking me to read “Beneath My Heart.” We, too, struggled with the adoption of Annie Rita. Our age was a problem, not funds nor health issues. We were older than the requirements and we almost gave up. However, Annie Rita lived with us, for 2 years before the adoption went thru, so no one wanted her except us. Therefore, they waived the age factor and the adoption went thru. It is difficult to adopt a special needs child and never give up if you feel that this is what God wants. He always, always makes a way. We hit many brick walls but God always opened the wall for us. Funds were not the problem. Health issues were a minor setback, ( my cancer) but I am living proof that if God wants you to do something, He will make a way. Prayer and faithfulness is the key. God is always faithful even when we aren’t. I simply believe that God is bigger than we are and He has never let us down. Love you, Aunt Syble
Ps. Annie is now in college, on the Dean’s list, does ballroom dancing, a singer, a speaker, and a strong Christian. She is 20 years old now. We have had her since she was 4 years old. The adoption went thru when she was 7 years old. We were her foster parents before the adoption went thru. Another thing. Because we lived in Russia, the courts did not know how to handle the case. We were the first couple to adopt no continue to live there in Izhevsk. The judge said it was the most difficult case she had ver handled. Never, never give up!!!
Tanya, thank you for asking me to read “Beneath My Heart.” We, too, struggled with the adoption of Annie Rita. Our age was a problem, not funds nor health issues. We were older than the requirements and we almost gave up. However, Annie Rita lived with us, for 2 years before the adoption went thru, so no one wanted her except us. Therefore, they waived the age factor and the adoption went thru. It is difficult to adopt a special needs child and never give up if you feel that this is what God wants. He always, always makes a way. We hit many brick walls but God always opened the wall for us. Funds were not the problem. Health issues were a minor setback, ( my cancer) but I am living proof that if God wants you to do something, He will make a way. Prayer and faithfulness is the key. God is always faithful even when we aren’t. I simply believe that God is bigger than we are and He has never let us down. Love you, Aunt Syble
Ps. Annie is now in college, on the Dean’s list, does ballroom dancing, a singer, a speaker, and a strong Christian. She is 20 years old now. We have had her since she was 4 years old. The adoption went thru when she was 7 years old. We were her foster parents before the adoption went thru. Another thing. Because we lived in Russia, the courts did not know how to handle the case. We were the first couple to adopt no continue to live there in Izhevsk. The judge said it was the most difficult case she had ver handled. Never, never give up!!!
Traci,
Your boldness in proclaiming your love for Jesus moved me to tears this morning. You and your family have been on my heart and in my prayers recently. Praying for His will to be done regarding your little girl. May He be your strength each day. May He keep her safe. May you continue to grow closer to Jesus & walk in His truth. He is forever faithful!
Have a blessed day and peace in the new year!